Definition 

Intimate partner violence, also known as relationship abuse or dating violence, is a pattern of abusive behavior that establishes a power imbalance and control over a partner in a relationship. Abuse can come in many forms including physical, sexual, emotional, economic and/or psychological actions as well as threats. Intimate partner violence affects anyone regardless of their identities, which includes but isn’t limited to their race, age, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, education level, and religion. Whether someone is dating or married, anyone can be affected by intimate partner violence. Abusive behavior can escalate in frequency and severity and can be fatal. 

(What Is Domestic Abuse?) 

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Unhealthy vs Abusive Relationships 

Not all unhealthy relationships are abusive, but all abusive relationships are unhealthy. While there are similarities between unhealthy and abusive relationships, the two are different. Because there isn’t a clear cut definition between the two, figuring out whether you are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship may be challenging. What’s important to know is that abuse entails a pattern of behavior that involves a power imbalance and control over another partner. Whether you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, it’s important for you to recognize the signs (Unhealthy or Abusive Relationships).  

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Breaking Misconceptions 

Myth 1 - Only women are affected by intimate partner violence from men 

Dating violence is a widespread problem and affects people across all genders. A 2010 national survey in South Korea found that 53.8% of the participants reported being victims of intimate partner violence. 81.9% of the reported survivors were wives who were affected by their husbands. A 2006 Korea Welfare Panel Study noted that out of 4,545 married men participants who were aged 30 and older, the prevalence of verbal intimate partner violence was 24.4% while physical intimate partner violence was 3.4% (Lee, Stefani, Park). According to the 2015 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, more 1 in 3 women and about 1 in 3 went through sexual violence, physical violence and/or stalking from an intimate partner during their life in the US (Smith, Zhang, Basile, Merrick, Wang, Kresnow, Chen). 

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Intimate partner violence isn’t limited to just heterosexual couples. Queer relationships can also be affected by intimate partner violence. In a report on queer and trans Korean Americans surviving violence, out of the 87 participants, 66% of respondents at least occasionally experience intimate partner violence (Shim). Within the United States, in addition to over one in three women, nearly one in three men, and over one in two trans and non binary people will be in an abusive relationship within their lifetime (Statistics on Relationship Abuse). In 2010, the CDC’s Findings on Victimization by Sexual Orientation report said that lesbian women and gay men indicated that they were subject to intimate partner violence and sexual violence at a rate equal to or higher than that of straight people. Four in 10 lesbian women and 6 in 10 bisexual women stated that they were survivors of rape, physical violence, and/or stalking from an intimate partner at least once during their lifetime. Then around 1 in 4 gay men and 4 in 10 bisexual men noted that they were survivors of rape, physical violence, and/or stalking from an intimate partner (Walters, Chen, Breiding, Matthew).

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Statistics like above are oftentimes underreported and don’t represent the entire scope of intimate partner violence. These statistics are underreported for a lot of reasons, including the fear of retaliation (Why Domestic Violence Goes Unreported). 

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Myth 2 - If a victim wanted to leave the abusive situation, they would have

Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult. Survivors may face various barriers when it comes to leaving an abusive situation and reporting their partner. Victims stay in relationships for many reasons, including fear of retaliation, financial dependency, and children. There are also cultural and societal factors such as the normalization of abuse in the media and shame surrounding divorce in the case of married couples. 

(Paisner)  

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Gaslighting is another reason why survivors can find it difficult to leave. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone or a group of people tries to get another person to doubt their own reality, memory, or perceptions. When someone is gaslit, they may question their reality and memories and not recognize the abuse. They may even feel responsible for their partner’s behavior and blame themselves (DiGiulio).

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Myth 3 - If there is no physical abuse, then that’s not serious

Depiction of intimate partner violence in the news and media overwhelmingly focus on physical abuse. Therefore, some people consider non-physical abuse as not serious. However, non-physical abuse such as financial, psychological, and emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse. Intimate Partner Violence takes on many forms including verbal abuse, isolation, coercion, stalking, financial abuse, intimidation, property destruction, and inflicting harm on pets (Paisner). 

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Myth 4 - People in Abusive Relationships should just go to couples counseling 

During couples counseling, the assumption is that there is a concept of mutuality. However, because abusive relationships have a power imbalance, any mutual goals can’t be reached. Both partners get the message that the problems within the relationship are mutual and that both are accountable for each others’ behaviors, and the victim would be blamed for the abuser’s behavior. The abuser may think something along the lines of, “If they stop provoking me and do what I say, then I will be a better partner.” (Stines)  

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Myth 5 - The Abuser Just Had a Bad Day

Intimate Partner Violence aren’t just isolated incidents or a “bad day” for someone. Abuse within intimate partner violence happens in a cycle (Paisner). The cycle of abuse indicates a common pattern observed in relationship abuse. Tensions first rise then an incident of abuse or violence follows. As tensions build up, the victim may feel powerless, anger, and some paranoia. At this stage, the victim may try their best to appease the partner. While they do so, the victim may also feel anxious, hyperalert, and as if they are walking on eggshells. Following an incident of abuse or violence, a “honeymoon stage” follows where the abuser may resort to using kindness, gifts, and gestures of love. Behavior as such can cause the release of dopamine and oxytocin, both neurotransmitters associated with happiness, causing the victim to believe that the “real” relationship is back and everything is back to normal. The abuser then might promise that what happened will never happen while blaming others, justify themselves by naming outside factors, deny or minimize the abuse, or even accuse the victim of getting on their nerves. The victim may begin to believe and accept their words. The cycle then repeats itself. Relationship abuse aren’t isolated incidents (Raypole). 

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What Can I Do?

The abuse is not the survivor’s fault (What Is Domestic Abuse?). What you can do is recognize the signs of unhealthy relationships that may escalate to abuse and the signs of abusive relationships to protect yourself and those around you.

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Signs of an unhealthy relationship that may escalate to abuse include the following (10 signs of an unhealthy relationship). 

1.  Intensity -- when someone expresses very extreme feelings and over-the-top behavior that feels overwhelming
2. Possessiveness -- when someone is jealous to a point where they try to control who you spend time with and what you do
3. Manipulation -- when someone tries to control your decisions, actions or emotions
4. Isolation --  when someone keeps you away from friends, family, or other people
5. Sabotage -- when someone purposefully ruins your reputation, achievements, or success
6. Belittling -- when someone does and says things to make you feel bad about yourself
7. Guilting -- when someone makes you feel responsible for their actions or makes you feel like it’s your job to keep them happy
8. Volatility -- when someone has a really strong, unpredictable reaction that makes you feel scared, confused, or intimidated
9. Deflecting responsibility -- when someone repeatedly makes excuses for their unhealthy behavior
10. Betrayal -- when someone is disloyal or acts in an intentionally dishonest way. 

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What Should I Do to Support a Friend? 

학대적인 관계에 있는 친구를 도와주려면 무엇을 해야 할까요?

One of the most important things you can do is start a conversation with your friend. When you start the conversation, you could say a positive affirmation or complimentary statement such as, “You’re always so fun to be around. I’ve missed you!” When your friend seems comfortable, you can calmly start talking about your concerns. Their life may already be quite chaotic, so it would be best for you to act as a steady source of support. Make sure not to force your friend to talk. Let your friend know that they aren’t alone and you want to help them. As you talk to your friend, focus on the unhealthy behaviors, not the person. If you immediately label the relationship as “abusive,” your friend might shut down. 

What’s best to do is to focus on the behaviors that you see and how they make your friend feel, allowing your friend to think about how they feel about those behaviors. It can be one of the first steps that allows your friend to understand that something within the relationship is off. Reassure them that you are not judging them so that they feel more comfortable sharing. Let them know that what is happening is not normal, and that whatever is happening is not their fault. No matter the reason, abuse is never okay, and everyone is responsible for their actions. You should offer options for your friend and allow your friend to make their own decision. These options may look like visiting the campus violence prevention center, talking to a trusted adult, or calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Your friend already has a controlling and manipulative person to deal with, and you wouldn’t want to mimic that by forcefully telling them what they should do. Make sure not to force or push an option onto them. Let your friend know that no matter what they decide to do, you will support them. The situation may not get solved after one conversation, so expect more conversations with your friend in the future (How To Help A Friend).