Gaslighting refers to the act of undermining someone’s sanity and changing their perception of reality through constant instances of manipulation. The term comes from the film Gaslight (1944) in which a man slowly makes his wife believe she is losing her mind. In essence, gaslighting is a form of brainwashing that is often inflicted by close loved ones. People are subject to trusting gaslighters too easily due to the intimate nature of their connection, and this is what allows perpetrators to gain more power within the relationship. Anyone can fall victim to gaslighting. Its techniques can range from denying something despite clear evidence to telling outright lies. The persistence of these deceptive ideas causes victims to start to wonder whether their perception of reality is actually false.      

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Gaslighting can take part in any relationship, whether it be between friends, romantic partners, or family. Some general examples of gaslighting techniques in relationships are lying and exaggerating, creating a sense of codependency, and giving victims false hope by being superficially kind at times. For instance, gaslighters may often justify their wrongdoings by saying “I only did it because I love you,” or deflect blame by undermining victims’ emotions: “You're just being paranoid,” etc. Gaslighting can also be used as an isolating tactic by instilling ideas like “No one will ever love you but me.” 

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The term gaslighting has become more popular today to describe personal events as victims share their stories online. Yet, increased exposure from heightened awareness of the issue also comes with common misconceptions. The word has now come to wrongly include any form of arguing or self-defense. However, gaslighting specifically entails emotional abuse with a particular result. The perpetrator does not recognize their actions as a form of abuse and genuinely believes they are in the right. Gaslighting is not a mere descriptor for arguing against something someone has said. It is a form of psychological manipulation that drives victims to think they are irrational and psychotic, and it is extremely difficult to recognize.

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If gaslighting is so hard to spot, how can we tell when someone may be gaslighting us? A victim of gaslighting may wonder whether they are too sensitive multiple times per day, and they can find themselves constantly apologizing, even when they are not at fault. They often make excuses for the gaslighter’s unacceptable behavior because their reality has shifted to a point where they cannot easily discern right from wrong. They frequently question if they are good enough. While these may all be traits of various mental health illnesses, symptoms of gaslighting specifically arise as a result of someone actively forcing another person to second-guess themselves. 

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Here are some key gaslighting phrases that one should be wary of.

• You’re being too sensitive.
• Stop acting crazy.
• You’re imagining things.
• You know you can’t remember things clearly.
• You are so ungrateful.
• That never happened.

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In order to escape from these harmful situations, we must learn how to respond to occurrences of gaslighting. Be very aware of what gaslighters say and do, and do not lose touch of your intuition. Make sure the gaslighter knows that you do not believe them to keep them from continuing their abuse. Victims should also seek professional help for advice on how to break away from these toxic circumstances. 

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Still, it can be extremely difficult from a first-person point of view to objectively approach cases of gaslighting with a level head. Because of this, it is also important for us to be observant of the friends and family around us and check up on them as well. If you hear something that sounds like it may be a form of gaslighting, do not be afraid to talk about it. After all, the primary step in escaping abusive relationships is acknowledging that they exist in the first place.

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